Bollards come in many forms, from iron posts to concrete balls, decorative obelisks to simple monoliths. Whatever their form, the World Bollard Association loves them all. Why? You might as well ask why the National Rifle Association loves guns. The clue is in the name.
“Bollards give us what nothing else in the world can … strength, security, reliability and beauty,” wrote a representative of the World Bollard Association to me in a direct message on Twitter. “Bollards are the greatest invention of the last 500 years.”
In other words, the only thing that can stop a bad driver with a car is a good bollard with a, um, bollard.
There is one key difference between the NRA and the WBA: Despite its protestations otherwise, the WBA isn’t real. “Please ensure your readers are aware that this is not a parody account,” the WBA person messaged.
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Uh, sure. And I'm a serious journalist.
Follow @worldbollard — as more than 100,000 people do — and you will find photos of bollards in action, as well as bollard inaction. There are photos of cars that have struck bollards, leading to bumpers or doors being damaged or vehicles being lifted into the air by the momentum of the collision.
There are photos of interestingly shaped bollards and bollards that have been cheekily decorated. One picture shows a bollard covered in what amounts to a bollard cozy: a colorful knitted garment that slips over the bollard, transforming it into Queen Elizabeth II.
There are videos, too, including ones of drivers surprised by those bollards that can be lowered into the pavement. Those bollards can also be raised, with often disastrous consequences. Many WBA videos feature cars getting their undersides scored by a jack-in-the-box bollard. Gutted like a trout, these vehicles sometimes limp away, leaving behind a black slick of grease from their perforated oil pans.
In other words, there’s a lot of bollard porn.
The word “bollard” seems to derive from the Old Norse word “boir,” which means “tree trunk.” The English word “bole” is related. After all, what is a sturdy tree trunk but nature’s bollard?
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Bollards were first used in a maritime setting, where they were immovable objects to which a ship could safely lash its hawser after docking.
Washington bristles with bollards. They sprouted after 9/11 as a way to deter car bombs. For better or worse, they have literally become part of the landscape. Texted my WBA interviewee: “DC has a good selection of big, premium bollards protecting all your magnificent politicians.”
I don’t make a habit out of interviewing people who won’t tell me their names and I did find the jokey coyness of my World Bollard Association interlocutor annoying. But I think I can discern a little about the person. He or she seems to be in the United Kingdom, a land of odd obsessions (real ale, garden gnomes, masochism). The tweets feature English-style spelling and most of the photos are from Britain or Europe.
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And whoever runs @worldbollard takes great pleasure in seeing German cars — especially BMWs — banjaxed by bollards.
“They seem to be very attracted to bollards,” the person wrote. “Some say they are Bollard Magnet Wagons. Audis are popular too.”
This person has no sympathy for drivers who accidentally drive into bollards. “If they can’t navigate and follow a simple instruction, they deserve the punishment,” the person wrote.
He or she also has strong feelings about flex posts, those flexible plastic and rubber poles that often delineate bike lanes. Notes @worldbollard: “Flex posts are [bad word].”
Why such animosity toward flex posts? “Would you want to be standing behind one when a 2 tonne truck is coming toward you?”
Of course not.
Since I don’t know who the person behind @worldbollard is, I don’t know whether they’re part of the bollard industrial complex — a.k.a., Big Bollard — or how sincere their infatuation with bollards is. I think they’re having a laugh. I suppose there are worse hobbies.
And while some of us may decry the creeping bollardization of the planet, others may appreciate the work of these silent, stolid sentinels. They also serve who stand and wait for BMWs.
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